Eric & Alan
by Morgaine Swann
Summary: Eric Northman has a few things to say to the creator of True Blood.


**Eric and Alan**

Eric kicked his prisoner to wake him. "ALAN! Open your eyes."

The man was trussed into a kneeling position. He was obviously outside, but it was dark and he couldn't see very well. "Where the hell am I?"

"Bayou Bandit Alligator Farm. I own it."

"Who the hell are you?"

"You don't recognize me? That explains a lot. I'm Eric Northman."

"Eric Northman is just a character in my TV show, based on a series of books.

"Ah – I begin to see the problem. You think I'm not real."

"Eric Northman is not real. You seem solid enough."

"I AM Eric Northman. I'm an archetype – a part of the collective unconscious. I assure you I'm quite real to those who know me. Freyja opened a channel for me to reach my followers through some nice Southern lady and somehow, you found your way into my mythos, but you're fucking it up."

"What do you mean, fucking it up?"

"Well, first, I killed Long Shadow. That was an important milestone in my relationship with Sookie and you took it away. In your show, I have already been into Merlotte's – that doesn't happen until much later in the story."

"Yes, but…"

"Quiet! Now you will listen to me. I've been shouting at you since you came into my sphere of influence and you have ignored me, so I had to resort to more direct measures. I'll have your attention or I'll have your head." Eric sliced through the air with a large sword, ending with a flourish.

"Are you crazy?! Let me go! You're not Real! I mean, Eric is not real!"

Eric held the point of the blade to the man's neck. "Would you like to see just how real I am?"

"NO, no…just be calm. We can work this out, whoever you are…"

"Stubborn, aren't you? You'd never live long as a vampire. You need to learn to go with the flow."

"What flow? You threaten me with a fucking sword and I'm supposed to go with the flow?"

"Not going with the flow is why you are here. You don't NEED to "create" a "character" called Eric Northman. I'm real. I exist. Your job is to tell my story, not to rewrite my mythos or change my fucking symbology. That's only going to piss me off, and that, in turn, will piss off my followers."

"What did I do that's so bad?"

"Look at me, ALAN. What is the first thing you notice about me?"

"I don't know – your size?"

"MY HAIR, Alan. My glorious, golden blond locks. The hair all the women want to run their fingers through or feel fall around their faces as I ravish them. My hair is a defining characteristic of WHO. I. AM." Eric was yelling an punctuated the last three words with the tip of his sword in Alan's chest, just to make sure he had his attention.

"But it's just a hair style."

"NO, Alan, it is NOT just a hairstyle. It is a symbol of my virility, my age, and my romantic nature. Do you not know the mythic power of long hair on a man? Sampson got his great strength from his hair. The words Caesar, Kaiser, Tzar, all come from a root meaning "hairy or having long hair." So does the Biblical name Esau. Rock stars have long hair. Have you ever looked at the rack of romance books in the drugstore that love-starved women devour - all of the men are tall and have LONG HAIR. Long hair is exotic, mysterious, sensual, non-conformist, and it hearkens back to a pre-industrial age. I'm a thousand years old, for Goddess' sake!"

"But the actor doesn't like that wig…"

"Look, I have no problems with the actor. He's almost as good looking as I am and the girls love him. He's obviously attractive to have been voted Sexiest Man in Sweden 5 times – to be most attractive in a country full of attractive people is quite an accomplishment. The problem is that he is playing ME and I HAVE LONG HAIR."

"He didn't want to get extensions..."

"Why didn't you let his hair grow? You cut his hair even shorter than it was on the hiatus!"

"Well, he needed to be blonder…"

"Enough! You have taken it upon yourself to play Delilah to my Sampson. You cut my hair - give me one reason why I shouldn't separate your head from your shoulders."

"There's no TV show without me!"

"There's no TV show without ME, Alan. I'm not going to kill you yet. I'm going to give you a chance to go back and get it right. You fix my hair or I promise you, you are going to end up the main course in one of these alligator pens. I'm not kidding – I HAVE LONG HAIR and you DON'T FUCK with an ARCHETYPE. FIX IT!" Eric punctuated the last words with a hard kick to Alan's backside.

Eric sliced the ropes off the scared man and let him scamper away into the woods, completely prepared to bring him back if he didn't mend his offensive ways. Eric Northman will ALWAYS protect his own image.


End file.
